Explosion on Dec 28th

 Okay so, apparently I only write this blog when I am not in the best mood. And when I am having freaking feelings for someone. Anyways, it's alright. Nobody is looking at what I am writing on this blog anyway. Yesterday was saaaaddd, freaking so saaaddd. So sad that I spent 3 hours talking to someone I almost never talk to unless we end up being in the same place somehow. It doesn't mean that the person is bad, I like that person; he is matured and can think deep, so, I knew he could understand what I was going to talk about. Anyway, I am going away from the topic. So, I like this girl, she is from my country and she lives here in Albuquerque. I have known her for about 3 years now. I never had a crush on her or something. In fact, for the first 6 months, I kind of didn't like her. But she was caring, and she was the only person I used to talk to about stuff that is not related to school or career. She was/is kind of the only person who I talk to on a regular basis. So, if something would have happened to me, she would be the first person to find it out. I used to be very rude to her at times, and she never really retaliated (at least didn't use to); she was just there when I needed to talk. Not that I always talked about everything or shared much with her, but I knew that she was there if I wanted to. So, yeah, she is kind, compassionate, affectionate, and amazing. Another thing is that she is super gregarious. She can light up a place by her presence, and I am (at least I used to be) always truly happy whenever I am with her. So, I guess those all things developed the feelings in me with time. I liked her for quite a long time, more than a year actually. I never really told her that I liked her. Very recently we started meeting on a regular basis for something stupid (I don't wanna mention the stupid thing). The regular meetings kind of augmented my feelings. So, very recently I told her that I like her. I thought, this way, at least I won't regret never telling her. She likes me, not in a romantic way, but she does like me. Also, I feel an incredible amount of affection for her. I don't know why. She is just so cute and adorable and sweet and the thought of her being sad or anything kind of breaks my heart. Anyway, with time we got closer; I stopped being rude to her, we started talking a lot. I didn't really try for much; I was just trying to be with her and for her, that's all. At times, we used to fight and I used to be so down that I couldn't do anything, not even sleep. There has been a lot of times like that. Yesterday, we had a tough conversation. To be honest, I didn't really feel that I was that tough of a conversation. I just told her, if you date anyone else at some point, I might leave your life. I know she thinks of me as a friend which is kind of hurtful but I never showed any problem with that. She also knows that I think of her way more than a friend. I thought, things were clear and the same after the meeting. After coming back home, she texted me that she would think really hard about the conversation. I didn't really know what to think about here. But, again, whatever works for her. I felt she kind of got distant again which was really really hurting me. Plus my roommate has been sad for a long time now. I feel really bad for him, nothing I tried to cheer him up worked. Also, one of my closest friends here is leaving Albuquerque for the time being because he is physically very sick. His leaving has impacted me a lot, cause there won't be anyone who I could talk to. That girl is usually the person I talk to when I am going through something. But when the problem is about her, I can't talk to her; and lately, she hasn't been very caring about my other problems either. So, I said goodbye to my friend yesterday; when I met him, it got very sad in a very short time, I wasn't expecting that much sadness; maybe because I was already going through problems. Then, I couldn't apply to grad schools very well because of my problems with some other work and definitely because I got carried away with emotions (which is so fucking stupid, I just hope it won't hurt me as much). And getting accepted to a good grad school is super important to me; it's not only about going to a good grad school, but it's also about proving my worth too. So, 1. Her, 2. My friend, 3. My grad school application, 4. My roommate (in order of intensity) kind of completely crushed me yesterday. Everything kind of felt empty, no hope, no happiness; my mind was void; I tried to sleep, I could just keep my eyes closed, but my brain was exploding the whole time with pain; my mind was drowning in depression; I didn't know what I should have done. I couldn't concentrate on anything. And I was scared that I had too much to do; 3 research projects, and a lot of people looking up to me (people like my professors and other people at UNM). Everything felt like falling apart. I have been using the past tense to make me think that I am doing better now. To be honest, I am not sure if I am doing too much better. I just hope I will still be able to do what I need to do; I hope I won't disappoint anyone; because, I am the strongest person I have ever seen in my life (well, after my father).